Frustrated!

     

I can't believe time passed me by so fast... a year has happened since I returned from USA. 

I went there because I wanted to improve speaking English, but I didn't... oh well, not as good as I would have wanted.

   

Recently, My brother told me about a job which is part of the carreer I'm stuying (interpretion)... it's a call center when someone calls you because a client who speaks other language needs you to "translate" what is saying to one. Because of that, you have to understand very well English and to speak it fluently also given the fact that you have to listening to the person A (who is a native english speaker) and translate, what he/she said, to the person b, but in Spanish (preserving the same sense). Plus, you have to translate what the person  B says (in spanish) to the person A in english... using the correct words and keeping the same sense.

  

This scared me because I recognize I don't listen English as well as I'd like and when I have to talk when someone who I know is going to understand me, I get so nervous. In those moments I talk to myself "so, why I went to USA if I didn't improve English". I remind when I was in Cusco in the hostel backpacker... everyone there spoke English, but I didn't talk with anybody... first of all, because I'm too shy to speak with someone I haven't met... and second of all, because I used to be nervous and though I could understand a little when they talked each other, I prefered being with the mouth shut. 
     

I'm not a talkative person and this frustrates me sometimes... I'm frustrated because I had a dream one day. Before to go to USA, I dreamed I'd learn a lot in New York, I'd make new friends over there and when I 'd return to Peru... I'd do it but speaking as a native. I wouldn't need closed caption if I watch a movie or I'd undestand very well a song just listening. But anything happened! Somewhere I went wrong I guess. I'm good reading and writing pretty well at least... but when I have to talk and prove I know, I still get nervous and keep quiet. Oh well not quiet, I talk but make a lot of mistakes... mistakes that I shouldn't make. I know, I know... I have to look for a solution for the problem instead of complaining about, but I needed to vent it. 

  
I'm so scared because the fact I'd never be able to talk English fluently... I'm scared to talk to somebody in English also... and I'm so frustrated for not being more talkative and start to speak although I make mistakes. I really like my carreer "translation and interpreting of language" and work in that job would be great, I know... but I feel I'm not ready to do it yet (because I don't listen prefectly and don't speak fluently). So now I'm going to look for places where there are conversations classes... in that way, I'd have to practice with and improving more and more my lexico.
    
My mom tells me I shouldn't bother that I should enrol in "speech classes" (oratory) and maybe in that way, I'll be able to unfold myself better... and at last, I'll be able to control myself, to control my fears and to control all my nerves (I have) at the moment of speaking English. She says it might help me to have more self-confidence... so that I'll be able to speak fluently and listening better as the dream that once I dreamed.